Parental Alienation Is An Unthinkable Series Of Abuse & Negligent Acts Against A Child

The following post is something I read that was posted on the insightful www.stopparenatalalienation.org website.  Sadly, Parental Alienation is an outright attack on a child and the child's rights to live without fear of the attacking, alienating parent. When a parent acts to harm the other parent in front of or by using the child, it is more than a shameful act, it is an act of severe abuse and neglect.  To put it directly out on the table, regardless of what you think of your former spouse/parental partner, if you alienate the child of your relationship from that person, you are causing great harm to the child. Period. Still not sure, read this article, and the various web-page links I'm attaching below.

The Problem of Parental Alienation

What Is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation occurs any time that a parent, relative or friend speaks badly about another parent so that a child can hear what is being said. Alienating behavior may be mild, moderate or severe. All parents are likely to "lose it" and be inappropriate with their words around children, however, when there is a predominance of negative messages being communicated to a child, these messages can seriously erode the child’s psychological well-being. In severe cases of parental alienation, children are manipulated and brainwashed (programmed) into such states of confusion that their perception of events and people around them are severely distorted.

Parental alienation in its most severe form is a heinous form of child abuse and neglect. It is a dangerous manipulation of children’s minds to alter their perception of reality about another parent. The purpose of marginalizing this parent is that he or she has no means to be an effective parent or to cut that parent out of a child’s life entirely, called a parentectomy.

The Tragic Result

Severe cases of parental alienation have the characteristics of being complicated in two ways. Combative parents duel with conflicting stories of "he said / she said," and make it very difficult to determine who is telling the truth. Brainwashed children often support the side of the offending parent with dramatic stories of how they have been abused by the target parent. As target parents argue their position, they often seem defensive even when they are telling the truth. 

Programmed children lose their own sense of reason and their ability to express their own choice in the matter. If the alienator is not contained, these manipulations of the child’s mind become the incubator of their own future psychological problems. These children have an altered perception of reality that is not in their best interest or in the best interest of society.

Unfortunately, in many cases, fully capable parents and their extended family and friends who love the child and would provide a nurturing and healthy family life are eliminated. Once the cutting out of a parent has occurred the child is left under the full care of the most disturbed and dysfunctional parent. These tragedies are played out in our family law courts daily.

Target parents find that normal methods of handling parental conflict such as mediation and therapy do not work. They are forced to appeal to a judge to make a decision that will enable them to continue to see their children. This is often an expensive and perilous path that rarely results in a satisfying outcome as few people, including judges, attorneys and therapists understand the nature of the problem.

For more information about Stop Parental Alienation of Children (SPAC) go to "Become Informed".

If you are reorganizing your family there is considerable amount of help available to you. One of the first places to start is by taking a parent education course that is offered at www.breakthroughparentingonline.com.

For More information on Parental Alienation, please view the following links. They are very helpful.

71	The complexity of investigating possible sexual abuse of a child	2010
70	The effects on children in the future who have been successfully alienated against a parent	2010
69	How can the truthfulness of children making child sex allegations be established?	2010
68	Why are the courts unwilling to acknowledge PAS or PA	2010
67	What if the custodial parent refuses to co-operate with child contact decisions	2010
66	What if the alienated parent has faults	2010
65	Vital steps in treating the implacable hostility of the alienator	2010
64	The possibilities and limitations of psychological therapy in case of parental alienation	2010
63	The Judiciary and Parental Alienation Disputes	2010
62	The alienated psychologist	2010
61	Is the parent fit to parent a child	2010
60	How Can the Truthfulness of Children Making Child Sex Abuse Allegations be Established?	2010
59	Diagnosing Child Contact Disputes Between Parents (Are There Solutions?)	2010
58	Child Contact Disputes Between Parents and Allegations of Sex Abuse (What does the Research Say?)	2010
57	Can the judiciary do more?	2010
56	Contact Disputes to to Implacable Hostilities (A psychologist advises)	2009
55	Child Parent Contact Following Domestic Violence	2009
54	Parental-alienation - A potentially serious mental disorder	2009
53	Emotional abuse of children due to implacable hostility between parents?	2008
52	What is in the best interests of children?	2008
51	Attachment theory and Parental Alienation	2008
50	What can be done to reduce the implacable hostility leading to parental alienation between parents?	2008
49	Mediation with seperated parents - Recent research (2002-2007)	2007
48	Implacable hostility, parental alienation	2008
47	Obliterating Paternity	2007
46	The comparison of parental alienation to the “Stockholm syndrome”	2006
45	How Can Mediation be made to be Successful in Serious Family Disputes? (Solving intractable hostility between former partners in contact disputes)	2006
44	My experiences in Courts of Law dealing with parental alienation cases	2006
43	When is it not a case of PA or PAS?	2006
42	Real Justice for non custodial parents and their children	2006
41	Parental Alienation Due to a Shared Psychotic Disorder (Folie a Deux)	2006
40	The Psychological Assessment and Treatment of Pathologically Induced Alienation (Dealing with alienation leading to an induced phobic reaction)	2006
39	The Psychological Effect of Modelling (Imitation) on Parental Alienation	2006
38	Dealing with Parental Post-Separation Conflicts (Recent Research)	2005
37	Understanding Post-Divorce Conflicts and How to Resolve Them (Recent Research)	2005
36	Attempting to Solve Child Contact Disputes (Recent Research)	2005
35	The Type of Remedial and Therapeutic Methods required in Parental Alienation	2005
34	Assessing and treatment of Parental Alienation	2005
33	Difficulties in treating parents and children who have been involved in the Parental Alienation process	2005
32	Family Courts (Where have courageous and just judges gone?)	2005
31	How does one identify and treat false accusations of sexual abuse in Parental Alienation situations?	2005
30	How can one overturn the programming of a child against a parent?	2005
29	The Concept of Mediation	2005
28	Part 4 Dealing with treatment of PAS	2005
27	Part 3 Long term effects on children	2005
26	Part 2 PAS impact on children	2005
25	Part 1 PAS or PA is that the question	2005
24	Signs of PAS and how to counteract its effects	2005
23	Causes and associated features of divorce as seen by recent research	2005
22	The psychological effects and treatment of PAS	2005
21	Recent changes in PAS approach by the Judiciary	2005
20	Do children need fathers?	2004
19	Tackling Parental Alienation	2003
18	Treating Families in Turmoil	2002
17	Problems suffered by children due to the effects of PAS	2002
16	The psychological treatment of children who have suffered from PAS	2001
15	The value of mediation in child custody disputes	2001
14	Recent research into risk assessment of children	2001
13	How to make joint custody parenting work effectively	2001
12	Joint custody and shared parenting	2001
11	Tackling Parental Alienation	2001
10	Treating the alienator	2000
9	The role of mediation in child custody disputes	2000
8	Parental Alienation and the Judiciary	1999
7	Mediation in the legal profession	1999
6	Mediation - the way forward	1999
5	Parental Alienation Syndrome: What the legal profession should know	1999
4	Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)	1999
3	Child custody disputes - Ideals and realities	1998
2	Parental Alienation Syndrome	1998
1	Parent Alienation Syndrome: A two step approach toward a solution	1998

Helping Grandkids Survive Divorce

The role of a grandparent during the time of a divorce is paramount to a child's wellness. In the article below, Jodi M. Webb offers some very practical advice that will provide great insight and assistance for grandparents and their grandchildren during this traumatic time.

In the weeks after his parents filed for divorce, one 3-year-old boy bombarded his paternal grandparents with invitations to visit his house. It was a tricky situation. They wondered if their son would view an appearance at his ex-wife's house as disloyal. They questioned if their daughter-in-law would even feel comfortable seeing them so soon after the breakup.

On the other hand, their grandson was reaching out to them. Would he feel abandoned and unloved if they didn't make a point to honor his request? The couple hemmed and hawed before ultimately deciding to go to their grandson. Rather than enter into his home, though, they picked him up and took him to a nearby playground.

If your adultchildis getting divorced, grandparenting is about to get a lot more complicated. Suddenly it's no longer just about building sandcastles with your grandchild, scarfing down ice cream, and letting him stay up past bedtime to catch the tail-end of his favorite Disney movie. Now, there are the feelings of four different groups to consider: theothergrandparents, your child, your child's ex-spouse, and your grandchild.

Your Place, Your Grandchild's Safe Haven

After your child's divorce is announced, your home and the time you spend with your grandchildren should remain as similar to pre-divorce visits as you can manage, says Lillian Carson, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and grandmother of 10 who wroteThe Essential Grandparents' Guide to Divorce: Making a Difference in the Family(Health Communications, 1999). “Time with grandparents can be a relief for grandchildren who may be caught in the middle of two parents. Your home should be a neutral zone.” Keep the focus on your growing relationship with your grandchildren, not their parents' disintegrating one.

When They Confide in You

Don't be surprised if the stability of your home encourages your grandchildren to share feelings they are unable to express to their parents for fear that they will be taking sides. Sure, when your adult child is going through a divorce, it's the main topic of conversation. You talk about it with your spouse. You talk about it with your best friend. You talk about it with your child. But, be careful not to spend all of the time you have with your grandchildren delving into their feelings about the divorce. “Don't try to be your grandchild's therapist,” advises Carson. “That's not your job.”

Only when your grandchildren mention the divorce, should you address it with them, she says. If they mention it, be an attentive listener and offer your love and empathy. Chances are you may be feeling emotions similar to theirs: anger, guilt, sadness, anxiety. Both your grandchildren and you are involved in a difficult situation that was not your choice to enter into.

When your grandchild opens up to you, frame your response positively and reassure him or her that the divorce is not his or her fault, suggests Marsha Temlock, M.A., a grandmother and author ofYour Child's Divorce: What to Expect... What You Can Do(Impact Publishers, 2006). If you feel your grandchild is bringing up an issue that should be addressed by the parents, don't involve your grandchild when you approach them or broach the topic by saying something along the lines of “When Katie was visiting, she told me... ”

Instead, when you are alone with your adult child, guide the subject with a non-accusatory musing such as, “I noticed that sometimes Katie has trouble falling asleep. I think she misses having both parents around at bedtime. Maybe you could call her at bedtime?”

Be prepared for an angry reaction such as, “Well if someone hadn't asked for a divorce, she'd have both parents at bedtime!” Try to be sympathetic, but point out that everyone's main goal is to help the child adapt to the new situation, without blaming ex-spouses.

They're All Ears

“Try not to stir things up,” says Carson. “A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, 'What would be the value of passing on this information? Would it be helpful to my grandchild?'" No matter what your personal opinions are, always remember that your grandchild loves both of his or her parents, despite any occasional display of anger.

One grandmother believes that the casual, positive comments she makes show her grandchildren that even though their parents are divorced, she still thinks theirmomis a good person. “If we're making spaghetti,” she says, “I'll say something like, 'Your mom always makes the best meatballs. What a great cook she is.'”

And no matter how tempting it may be, don't play spy by trying to get information that could be used in divorce proceedings. If, when your grandchild talks to you, what they say becomes fodder for the parents' arguments, your grandchild will realize this and feel unable to trust you. Then, who will he or she have to turn to?

Ex-Spouse: Friend, Enemy, None of the Above?

After a divorce, many fathers are only able to see theirchildrenevery other weekend when they try to squeeze in as much one-on-one time as possible. So, it's no surprise that research by Jeanne Hilton, Ph.D. shows that when a father becomes a non-custodial parent, the child's relationship with his or her paternal grandparents suffers. That's why Temlock encourages grandparents to maintain a relationship with their child's ex-spouse.

Karen Bastille, whose 3-year-old granddaughter, Maya's parents divorced, says her ex-son-in-law has retained a role in the family. “Maya's dad will often visit her in my home on 'Daddy Day'. He'll order pizza and we'll all have lunch together. It's a treat my granddaughter has come to regard as a ritual,” says Bastille. “Sometimes, he will even stay for dinner.”

Carson admits that sometimes an adult child may see this as a betrayal. “But, it's not being disloyal. Communicate to your child that even though it may seem that you are helping his or her ex-spouse, you are just trying to maintain a relationship with your grandchild,” she says. You should be able to support your child during the divorce and have ahealthyrelationship with your grandchild, without having to choose one or the other.

Birthday Parties Times Two?

Many celebrations and holidays are child-centered. You may be wondering if, after the divorce, there will be two birthday parties, two Easter egg hunts... two Thanksgivings? Since her daughter and son-in-law divorced, Bastille says that some holidays have been one-family events while others have included both families. When they are all together, she says, everyone manages to remember the most important thing — Maya's happiness.

“It can be awkward for the adults, but family members have been able to control any lingering emotional turmoil and make it a good day for Maya,” she says. Of course, every family is different, and some divorces are more acrimonious than others. If a grandchild's parents' marriage ended bitterly, and emotions are still raw, joint celebrations don't have to be insisted upon. Ask yourself if it would be more difficult for the child not to see both parents together at the celebration, or to see them there together, arguing the whole time.

Although grandparenting through a divorce can be a challenge, the role you play in your grandchild's life may also become more crucial. As Bastille has learned, grandparents can offer not only their love, but “an oasis of sameness when everything else in your grandchild's family life is changing.”

Japan's Children of Tsunami's - We Need To Help.

The tragedy that has shaken and swept over Japan after their record-breaking earthquake followed by an enormous, and life-taking tsunami made me not only wonder about the children of such devestation, but to also wonder about previous children and how they dealt with similiar tragedies.

 

I discovered an amazing website called 'Children of Tsunami'. Please Visit it. When you do, you will understand how important it is to help. Here are a list of good organizations that do make a difference, and will help provide aid for the people of Japan.

 

 

How to help Japan earthquake, tsunami victims

American Red Cross • The Red Cross is on the ground now in Japan helping with emergency relief, food and shelter.
To donate, go to http://www.redcross.org/. Checks can be mailed to: PO Box 4002018, Des Moines, IA 50340-2018. Donors also can call 800-RED-CROSS or text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation

Global Giving • The agency is helping other groups with emergency relief. To donate, go to http://www.globalgiving.org/ or text JAPAN50555 to make a $10 donation. Donations can also be mailed to: Global Giving, Japan relief, 1023 1st St. NW, 12th floor, Washington, DC. 20005

International Medical Corps • The corps is sending a team to Japan to help with medical needs. To donate, go to http://www.internationalmedicalcorps.org/ or text MED8088 to make a $10 donation. There's also a 24-hour phone line that accepts donations: 1-800-481-4462. Donations also can be mailed to: Development Department, International Medical Corps, 1919 Santa Monica Boulevard Suite 400, Santa Monica, CA 90404

AmeriCares • AmeriCares is also providing emergency relief and expects to on the ground in Japan sometime over the weekend.
To donate, go to http://www.americares.org/ or mail donations to: 88 Hamilton Ave., Stamford, Conn. 06902.

Save The Children • This organization helps children displaced by the earthquake, providing emergency relief. Children: Donate to Save the Children's "Japan Earthquake Tsunami Children in Emergency Fund" at http://www.savethechildren.org/ or by calling 1-800-728-3843. Or text "JAPAN" to 20222 to donate $10.Or donations can be mailed to Save the Children, 54 Wilton Road, Westport, CT 06880

Being A Great Grandparent! A Practical Guide To GrandParenting

BUILDING GREAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR GRANDKIDS

If you have grandchildren, chances are you’ve already discovered the importance of time spent together. Naturally, you want to make the most of that precious family time. The best grandparenting activities flow from the interests of both the grandparents and the grandchildren. You can create a deep, loving relationship with your grandchildren by sharing the things you love with them, and by being available to hear about what excites them.

Learn how to strengthen the bonds with your grandchildren whether you’re a full-time grandparent, a step-grandparent, or a long distance grandparent living a thousand miles away. Becoming more attached happens when you show your grandchild special ways you care. All grandparents can learn new ways to strengthen family ties and give your grandchild great memories

What's so grand about grandparenting?

In no particular order grandparenting is an opportunity to play, to 'fall in love' again, and to appreciate the magic of a developing mind. Grandparents can share the things they're passionate about with a new audience; see the world in a new way through younger eyes; experience music, nature, reading, gardening, theater and other interests in conjunction with a curious young mind.

Grandparents can provide expanded support and encouragement to their grandchildren and use their breadth of experience as parents to do things differently (or the same) as they did when they were parents the first time around. Grandparenting is an opportunity to watch children develop through all stages of growth; it is an invitation to learn about 'their' music and ‘their' passions and to provide input that parents cannot. Usually, grandparents have the benefit of interacting on a level that is once removed from the day-to-day responsibilities of parents. This can make it easier to develop a close bond with grandchildren. From near or far, grandparenting can provide continuity in a child's life. Grandparents are often the family historians, and can add a rich sense of family tradition to a child's life.

Additionally, contact with grandparents can teach children positive attitudes towards aging and help them develop skills to enhance their own lifelong learning.

The role of a grandparent in a child's life

There are as many answers to this question as there are family configurations and needs. Some grandparenting requires a full-time commitment. For others, grandparenting is a weekend together, an afternoon play date, a summer vacation, a chat on the phone or an email exchange.

Establishing some ground rules with your son or daughter is a good first step to a long and successful relationship with your grandchild. The AARP has some tips to get you started on the right foot. Among their hints: be clear about what role you want to have in your grandchild's life, be kind to yourself and to your children, and check with the child's parents before you buy gifts. They also discuss pitfalls to avoid (like trying to be the parent, or buying affection) and positive actions to take (like respecting the parenting decisions of your adult children, and showering your grandchildren with love).

No matter the specific circumstances, when you are expressing love, showing concern for the child's safety and wellbeing, being consistent in your behavior and paying attention to their needs and words, you are doing the best grandparenting possible.

Tips for spending quality time with your grandkids

The best grandparenting activities flow naturally from the interests of both the grandparents and the grandchildren. You can create a deep, loving relationship with your grandchildren by sharing the things you love with them, and by being available to hear about the ideas and activities that excite them. Some ideas for thinking about activities and ways to spend time with your grandchildren include:

Take it easy together

Make an effort to enjoy leisure time with your grandchildren. As a grandparent, you get to interact with your grandchildren without the same daily pressures of a parent—you don't have to worry about driving carpool or juggle making dinner for the family with soccer practice and grocery shopping. Allow yourself slow down and to become really absorbed in an activity. Remove the normal boundaries of the day and spend time with your grandchildren without thinking about a schedule or what's next on the list to be done. Moving at a slower pace than usual can give children a sense that time can be 'stretched’—that you don't need to hurry through activities. And, as with adults, it gives them the psychic space to feel, reflect and express without feeling rushed.

Go outside

Children love the outdoors, and trips to the park or the beach can be a great jumping off point for some wonderful adventures and happy memories. Nature walks and day hikes can provide lots of interesting things to talk about, and water activities can be especially fun. Throwing stones into the water or watching the tide or the current play with the sticks are simple activities that can be fascinating to children. You can start these activities when kids are toddlers, and expand the games as they get older. Spending time in nature and near water also provides an opportunity to experience stillness.

Share your interests or your work

Engaging in hobbies and activities that you love or your grandchild loves can be a great way to spend time together and learn about each other. Sometimes, activities that you might not expect your grandchildren to be interested in, like knitting or gardening, might turn out to provide an important point of connection for you. Similarly, if you take an interest in something they are passionate about, like trading cards or the Harry Potter book series, they may open up in a new way because they get to share their special area of knowledge.

If you are still working, a visit to your place of work can add a dimension to your grandchild's perception of you. If you are retired, pictures and stories about what your working days were like can do the same.

Making the most of your grandparenting time

• Carve out one-on-one time. On occasion, spend time with individual grandchildren. It will give you an opportunity to bond, without competition, with that day's companion grandchild.
• See the sights. Concerts and plays, movies, science centers and museums, parks or walks in the neighborhood provide opportunities to be together and to exchange ideas and opinions.
• Play games. Board and card games are a unique opportunity to watch kids in action and to see how they operate in the world. Games also allow you to help your grandchild learn to be a good sport and play fairly.
• Communicate family history. Tell stories about games or trips you shared when the grandchild's parents were young. This is a great way to weave a 'tapestry' of shared experiences for the whole family.

Grandparenting on the road

Taking a trip with your grandchildren or sharing your love of a favorite place will help you create special memories together. Special trips, whether it be a day trip to a national park, a weekend in a nearby city, or a week-long trip will always be remembered by the child as a special journey with grandma or grandpa.

One of the great advantages of traveling with your grandchild is the opportunity for both of you to be 'away from home.' Being on the road—whatever that looks like for your family—means being free of chores, errands, the computer, the phone—any familiar routine. It means all kinds of possibilities for the unexpected—even on the best-planned trip. All the chances to read train and bus schedules, ride a ferry, stay in a motel or B&B, eat out—or have lots of picnics—offer opportunities to discover new parts of the world, of yourself, and of your grandchild.

Involve the child in the planning in whatever way you think is age-appropriate. Involve his or her parents to be sure they're comfortable with the plans. And hit the road! After you have traveled, an album of that experience can be an ongoing delight for everyone in the family.

Long-distance grandparenting

From the beginning, engage your children in the process. They can help you learn about the stages the baby/toddler/child is going through, what his or her interests are, and what the 'rules of the house' are in regard to appropriate reading/viewing materials. When the child is old enough to interact, whether on the phone, Internet, or through mail, start engaging the child directly. Special efforts to communicate specifically with your grandchild will establish the foundation for a strong long-term relationship.

Grandparenting in the digital age

For the computer-savvy, the Internet can add a whole new dimension to long-distance grandparenting. You'll discover many sites you can share with your grandchildren. And you can visit some of these sites together. The list can grow as your grandchild's interests change and as you discover more of the world—on and off the Internet—together. If your grandchild has his or her own email address, you can Instant Message with them or maybe even set up a ‘chat date.'

Other ways to stay connected

Of course there are many long distance grandparenting activities that have nothing to do with the Internet. There are inexpensive phone cards (even international ones) that make it possible to say in touch regardless of the distance. When you're talking to your grandchildren, make notes about their interests, pets' names, books they've been reading, doll's name—anything you can repeat in the next conversation so they know you've been listening.

“Snail mail,” too, can make remote grandparenting feel less distant. Even before a child can read, he or she will be able to recognize their name on an envelope, and will love the feeling of importance implied by receiving mail or a special phone call. Check out bookstores, and books on tape or CD. Better yet, you can record yourself reading a few of your favorite children's books and send the tape along with the books, or make a tape of songs you would sing if you were together.

When you share photographs, write stories about the people in the pictures, send music cassettes or CD's with your comments on the music. All of these small things communicate your interest and love. Children will respond positively to the special attention and care, allowing you the chance to know them better when you do have the opportunity to be physically with them.

Full-time grandparenting

Divorce, death of parents, or a parent's work or school-related responsibilities are just a few of the reasons grandparents assume full or part-time responsibility for their grandchildren. Part of the task is day-to-day maintenance of a home, schedules, meals, homework and play dates. In cases where tragedy is the reason grandparents are involved, there are many stress factors—grieving on the part of the children and the grandparents, for example—that come into play. If this situation happens to you, know that you are part of a growing community. The AARP article "Facts about Grandparents Raising Grandchildren (see below for the link) reports that 6.3% of all children under age 18 in the United States are growing up in grandparent headed households and the number of children in grandparent headed households have increased 30% since 1990. There are resources out there for you—see below for more information and links. Raising your grandchildren, while challenging, can also be incredibly rewarding.

Grandparents’ rights

Some circumstances make it necessary for grandparents to seek legal help. If there's been a divorce, death of one parent, estrangement or the suspicion that your grandchildren are being neglected or abused you may want to consult a lawyer or advocacy group to ensure access to your grandchildren. Two issues arise with regard to grandparenting: custody and visitation. In either event, the goal is to maintain the children's connection to a family beyond the nuclear family. Resources listed below will help you start the process of investigating what your rights are.

Step-grandparenting

Have you married another grandparent? Have your kids become stepparents? Step-grandparenting has grown as a family phenomenon because of the growing number of blended families. These blended family relationships call for compassion, genuine interest, understanding—and patience!

Step-grandparenting can present awkward moments, and create complex relationships—especially if there are already other grandparents in the picture. Children might feel the need to be loyal to the original grandparents and conflicted about giving and receiving affection in the new relationship.

Grandparents, children, and grandchildren all need time to mourn the loss of the biological family. Give yourself and the children time to get to know one another, have fun together. Plan some special times together without an agenda.