Hague Secretary General Applauds Peter Thomas Senese & I CARE Foundation's Effort To Stop Child Abduction This Christmas

During the Christmas holiday season, international parental child abduction around the world dramatically increases as would-be abducting parents are implementing their carefully planned out schemes to illegally remove their child from the other parent's life. Sadly, many targeted parents are not aware that these elaborate schemes are underway until it's too late. It is imperative that we do everything that we can to ensure children are protected from abduction because the reality is, that children of abduction, regardless if they are taken by a stranger or a parent, are emotionally, spiritually, and often severely physically abused. Once a child is kidnapped there is no guarantee that they will be coming home. Too many children never come home: they can't. They're gone forever. In order to protect against international child abduction schemes that revolve around the wrongful detention of a child, the I CARE Foundation has created the International Travel Child Consent Form. With an estimated 85% of all international parental abductions dealing with a child being wrongful detained in a foreign country, it is geared at potentially preventing the majority of these types of parental kidnappings. In the short time that this ground-breaking abduction prevention tool has been in use, not only has it made an enormous impact in the world of international child abduction, but it has also been acknowledged by major child abduction prevention stakeholders around the world, including Hague Conference on Private International Law Secretary General Mr. Christophe Bernasconi, who stated:

"I have had the possibility to look at the travel form and must say that I am impressed: this is the most comprehensive document of its kind that I have seen so far and there is little doubt in my mind that this is a most valuable and important effort to prevent child abduction. I applaud your efforts and wish to congratulate you and your team . . . It is really impressive to see how quickly your international travel child consent form has started to yield practical results and how well you monitor its operation - this really is remarkable."

Peter Thomas Senese, the I CARE Foundation's Executive Director, reports on the success of the Travel Consent Form thus far:

To the best of our knowledge, since the creation of the I CARE Foundation's International Travel Child Consent Form, all children traveling abroad from Hague Convention signatory countries who were expected to return to their country of original jurisdiction have come home. There have actually been several cases where one parent initially refused to sign the International Travel Child Consent Form, and in each of those cases, the overseeing judge would not permit travel. At that point additional measures were put into place in order to prevent a future parental abduction.

It is critical for all parents who are allowing a child to travel abroad to understand is that there are numerous traps and schemes that a would-be abductor will use in order to legally keep a child abroad. Most of these schemes revolve around Articles 12 and 13 of the Hague Convention of the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. Defending against these potential strategies is critical. It is the thrust of the I CARE Foundation's International Travel Child Consent Form. And with tens of thousands of children around the world targeted for international parental abduction each year, our travel consent form may be the most effective tool that could help prevent abduction or help return a child to their country of original jurisdiction under the spirit of Article 2 of the Hague Convention.

For those parents that are allowing or are required to allow a child to travel to a foreign country need to strongly consider having the other parent sign the International Travel Child Consent Form. Should that parent not be willing to, this is a very serious warning sign that they may be planning an abduction. Another critical part of protecting children from international abduction... and this is so important... is being aware of the WARNING SIGNS of international parental child abduction... something as simple as a little education. The other vital piece of information is knowing what to do if an international parental child abduction is in progress. The truth is, all parents should be aware of the these things, but If you should happen to be a parent in a high-conflict relationship, especially if your partner has ties abroad, you would be considered in a category of extreme risk. Today we live in a world that embraces the idea of global citizenship, we have individuals from different countries that travel abroad. These individuals may eventually meet someone and enter into a relationship resulting in a child. So, things go well for a while and then the relationship starts to develop problems that may lead to a separation or divorce. In multi-cultural relationships, when this happens, it is not uncommon for the non-national individual to want to take the child and permanently relocate back to their country of origin. Knowing that the other parent is not going to allow this to happen, the parent that is wanting to leave often creates an elaborate scheme and illegally removes the child from the country, despite court orders or the other parent's wishes. At risk parents... those parents that are involved in child custody disputes, separation or divorce must be proactive in protecting their children. Often, parents that are involved in international child custody disputes and who may be targeted for abduction think that their child is best protected from abduction when there is a court agreement in place for the child to return if the other parent is granted travel. The truth is that unless there is an International Travel Child Consent Form that has immediate ramifications attached to it, the parent and child targeted for abduction are at serious risk.

Secretary General Christophe Bernasconi: How You Can Prevent International Abduction

While the winter holiday season is often one which presents many opportunities for festive family celebrations, it is also a period in which sadly more parental child abductions occur. As a result, it is more important than ever to take steps to prevent the wrongful removal of children so that abductions which are covered by the Hague Convention of 25 October 1980 on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction do not occur in the first place. Prevention can be achieved in several ways. For example, when one parent intends to travel with his or her child without the other parent, the other parents consent to the travel should first be obtained. One of the ways a parent can demonstrate that they have the approval of the other non-travelling parent is by having him or her sign a clear, comprehensive travel consent form which includes a statement that the non-travelling parent agrees to the travel but also that the child is to return to his/her place of habitual residence on or before a specific date. A model travel consent form for this purpose has recently been developed by the I CARE Foundation and is, I understand, already widely used by parents in various jurisdictions. Use of the I CARE Foundation's comprehensive Hague-centric travel form that addresses key aspects of the Hague Child Abduction Convention pertaining to a child's international travel are central to protecting against a child's wrongful retention abroad. The I CARE Foundation's International Travel Child Consent form and similar comprehensive models deserve further encouragement so as to prevent child abduction and perhaps even limit instances of child trafficking in general. The Hague Conference on Private International Law, the Secretariat for the Hague Child Abduction Convention, wishes the I CARE Foundation and its constituents a happy holiday season and hopes that precautions such as the one described above are able to prevent unnecessary anxiety and trauma for parents and children who are affected by holiday travel plans. With Best Wishes, Christophe Bernasconi, Secretary General The Hague Conference on Private International Law

A recent press release regarding the International Travel Child Consent Form not only shares the support from Secretary General Bernasconi but also other top lawyers and judges from around the world. You can view this release HERE.

The Would-Be Parent Abductor's Scheme:

As part of a would-be abducting parent's scheme, their lives become filled with deceit. As part of their elaborate plan for abduction, the would-be abducting parent may create a facade of being happily married and committed to their relationship, all while planning on how to get the child abroad. A common scenario might be for the would-be abductor to state that it would be nice if they could travel to their country of origin for what might appear to be a family vacation to visit a sibling or parents over the holidays. When the family arrives in the foreign country, the would-be abducting parent may file false claims of abuse and neglect against the other parent. Once this is done, they notify the other parent that they and the child will not be returning back to the country of original jurisdiction. At this point, the targeted parent is generally forced to return back home without their child where they then need to seek legal assistance. Multiple studies have shown that an unprecedented number of abductions have occurred where one parent took action to deprive the other parent of contact with their child. The majority of abducting parents typically use the child as a tool to cause the targeted parent great pain and suffering. Their intent is simple: to make the other parent suffer as much as possible by depriving that targeted parent with the love and connection to their own child. Nearly every published study on this subject has concluded that an abducting parent has significant, and typically, long-term psychological problems and may in fact be a danger to their child. This is the reality for hundreds of thousands of families. However, we can stop parental abduction. Awareness is the key.

Protecting Children From Abduction: U.S. Rates Of Abduction Decline

In 2011, the I CARE Foundation commenced formal operations with the mission to protect children from abduction. And since that time, there has been a decline in the rate of reported abductions originating from the United States. Certainly we are not alone in our efforts, but there is no question that our outreach efforts have made a incredible impact on the lives of the families that we have voluntarily assisted. It was forecasted that in 2011 there would be a increase of 25% in the abduction growth rate, but in actual fact, reported abductions declined by over 15%. During 2012, the actual reported abduction rate dropped by over 16%. After nearly 30 years of growth in the international parental child abduction rate, to see a decline for two consecutive years is pretty remarkable! It is anticipated that we will see another significant decline in the rates for 2013. Although worldwide abduction rates have not been reported since 2008, this has little to do with the Permanent Bureau of the Hague Conference, but instead a failure by signatory countries to report their inbound and outbound abduction rate. However, it is believed that the global rate of abduction continues to steadily climb out disturbing rates. With the worldwide launch and utilization of the I CARE Foundation's International Travel Child Consent Form, there is the expectation that the actual global rate of abduction will start to decline. There are two critical programs available to U.S. parent citizens that may aid in the prevention of their U.S. child citizen from being internationally abducted. The Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program (CPIAP) is one of the Department of State's most important tools for preventing international parental child abduction. Parents are able to register their U.S. citizen children under the age of 18 in the Passport Lookout System. If at some point a passport application is submitted for a child that is registered in the CPIAP, the Department of State contacts and alerts the parent(s). This system provides the parent(s) with advance warning of possible plans for international travel with the child. The Charleston Passport Center is responsible for administering the Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program:

U.S. Department of State Passport Services, Charleston Passport Center Attn: Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program 1269 Holland Street, Building D Charleston, SC 29405

E-mail: ChildrensPassports@state.gov Phone: 1-888-407-4747 Fax: 843-746-1827

The Prevent Departure Program (PDP) is another critical tool used in the fight to protect children from international abduction. In the past, American parents at risk of having a child illegally removed from the United States had to deal with the reality that it was extremely difficult to stop an international child abduction if the other parent possessed a right of American citizenship (sole or dual citizenship). Part of the problem is that the United States has limited exit controls and government published information regarding programs that could be utilized to stop international parental child abduction such as the Prevent Departure Program require a suspected international parental child abductor to not have a right of American Citizenship, among a host of other requirements. Today, parents who are at risk of having a child internationally abducted by a parent who possesses citizenship to the United States of America or who has dual citizenship may be able to protect their children from abduction. If you should happen to be an at-risk parent that believes your child's other parent is planning or is in the process of an international parental abduction, please contact the United States Department of State's Office of Children's Issues Abduction Prevention Bureau to discuss potential measures that may be available to you to ensure the individual parent suspected of an international child abduction threat does not illegally depart the United States and remove your child in violation of a court order or in breach of your right of custody. Similarly, be sure to contact the Office of Children's Issues Prevention Bureau to discuss if there are potential prevention techniques unique to your case that may allow the Department of State to work with other federal agencies so to secure your child is not a victim of international parental child abduction. Individuals that are seeking the assistance of the Department of State and the implementation of the Prevent Departure Program should make sure that they have the following information ready to submit to the Office of Children's Issues:

1. Full name, date, place of birth of Potential taking parent.
2. Full name, date, place of birth of Potential left behind parent (and PLBP’s contact info, including a surface address).
3. Passport number and issuing country (if available, and not U.S.) for both parents.
4. Full name of child.
5. Date, place of birth of child.
6. U.S. passport number of child.
7. Passport number and issuing country of any dual national passport of child (if available).
8. Copy of court order with travel restrictions.
9. Full contact details, including a 24/7 phone and email (to email court documents, we do not have after hours fax access), for law enforcement contact.
10. Details of potential travel plans.

To contact the Department of State's Office of Children's Issues Prevention Bureau please contact:

The United States Department of State Office Of Children's Issues Abduction Prevention Bureau CA/OCS/CI SA-17, 9th Floor Washington, DC 20522-1709 Phone: 1-888-407-4747 or 202-501-4444 Email: prevention@state.gov

To contact the I CARE Foundation concerning abduction matters please email us at legal@stopchildabduction.org. Outside of the I CARE Foundation's International Travel Child Consent Form, the United States government and agencies such as the Department of State continue their remarkable work attempting to protect children from international parental child abduction. It is estimated that the Department of State successfully requests placement of 8-10 individuals on the Prevent Departure Program each month while also overseeing an estimated 60 applications for utilization on the Passport Issuance Alert Program. This has played an incredible role in the 15% and 16% decline in international parental child abduction rates during 2011 and 2012 respectively.   If you think about it, that's a lot of innocent lives that are protected... and according to a report from the Department of Justice, children who are kidnapped by a parent face severe physical abuse and are also put at an extreme risk of being murdered. In fact, Dr. Phillip Resnick, the Director of Forensic Psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland stated in an article that was published by the Denver Post a few years ago about parental child killing, “Historically, one out of 33 homicides is a parent killing a child younger than 18.” Dr. Resnick, who conducted a study on filicide in 2005 states “Filicide, the deliberate act of a parent killing his or her own child, is the third-leading cause of death in American children ages 5 to 14.” Filicide is not a term that we talk about alot, but the reality is, we need to talk about it more. The third leading cause of death in American children. Can you imagine? According to the Denver Post reports, “Researchers estimate 250 to 300 children are murdered by their parents each year in the U.S. Now, filicide occurs everywhere... it is not a phenomenon isolated within American borders. Simply put, parents do kill children! And we can’t put our head in the sand and think this does not exist. The common misconception that parental abductions are considered a family matter has to end. Parental child abduction is a serious crime. The act of abduction leads to ongoing forms of abuse toward a child. When a child is abducted they must be immediately considered to be in great danger! It is that serious!

Peter Thomas Senese: His Advocacy And Volunteer Work Helping Children and Families In Crisis

Clearly, protecting children from parental abduction requires an indefatigable commitment to stand unbowed so children and their families may never know the nightmare that is the world of international abduction. Peter Thomas Senese has proven time and again that he is deeply committed to his goal of preventing child abduction. There are numerous sworn testimonial letters from individuals regarding the advocacy and volunteer work that Peter does each and every day. Many of these letters are related to recovering and bringing home children who were abducted or who were targeted for abduction, however there are also several letters that share his deep desire for helping others who may be facing severe medical issues. Ultimately, each one of these sworn letters shares not only a little insight, but also a unique perspective of who Peter Thomas Senese is.

Peter has been a ‘God Send’ to my young son and me. Peter has demonstrated time and time again, not only concern for me and my family, but has been willing to assist us in whatever capacity we have requested or needed of him...

The cornerstone for all his and the renown I CARE Foundation’s work originates from Mr. Senese’s fulfillment of a promise, of which, "Chasing The Cyclone" is a part. Unquestionably, our children are well-served by its publication and the kind, compassionate, and generous assistance of Mr. Senese.

Peter Thomas Senese and The I CARE Foundation provided great assistance to me and my family due to grave risk that my young child would be re-abducted to Turkey by his biological mother, who previously abducted my son under the rules of the Hague Convention. I found Mr. Senese to be extremely helpful, knowledgeable, and committed to assisting targeted children and their families. Peter spent considerable time assisting my legal team protect my son. Under his guidance, I now know my son is safe. Peter asked for nothing other than that one day I help other parents who are targeted for abduction the way I was. He is a true advocate whose activism has helped so many parents and children.

The Impact of Chasing The Cyclone:

Peter Thomas Senese, author of the critically-acclaimed novel 'Chasing The Cyclone,' about a father searching for his internationally abducted son, has had a far-reaching social impact. It is being called both a call-to-arms against the wide-spread epidemic of international child kidnapping, as well referred to as a blue-print on how to either prevent a child from being abducted, or how to reunite with your child. In addition, Chasing The Cyclone has enabled something remarkable: it has helped reunite children with their parents, as Peter Thomas Senese has so generously donated 100% of his author royalties to the I CARE Foundation. To quote Peter Thomas Senese, "The I CARE Foundation is actively trying to reunite other children who have been internationally abducted with their families. I think my readers have a deep sense of satisfaction knowing that when they purchase one of my novels, they are making a measurable difference in the life of a defenseless child - and that is pretty cool." So, in an effort to help us prevent international child abduction, please take a few moments and educate yourself about the WARNING SIGNS of international parental child abduction. It not only protects your children but perhaps other children you might know.... isn't that worth a few minutes of your time? If you would like to learn more about the criminal act and schemes of parental child abduction, or to download a free copy of the International Travel Child Consent Form visit the I CARE Foundation website. If an international parental child abduction is imminent or is in progress, click here. And lastly, to purchase your copy of Chasing The Cyclone, please visit Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Wishing you the best of the holiday season!  

Talking With Your Children About Stress

With all the natural disasters that have plagued our nation in recent months, I often pray and worry most about our little ones. They too are greatly affected by stress and PTSD. We don't want to forget about them ... here is a little information about how to talk to your kids about stress. I find that this is valuable information.

According to a recent survey by the American Psychological Association (APA), many Americans — both adults and youth — experience high levels of stress. Adults can more readily identify feelings and causes of stress, and consider ways to manage it. Young people, however, may not recognize signs of stress or know how to respond effectively. Parents can offer valuable assistance and provide empathy and understanding. By knowing what to listen to and watch for and by seeking out opportunities to engage in conversation with children of all ages, parents can help their children to better manage life challenges. APA offers the following tips on talking with your children about stress:

Be Available 

• Notice times when your kids are most likely to talk — for example, at bedtime, before dinner, in the car — and be fully available to just listen.
• Start the conversation; it lets your kids know you care about what’s happening in their lives.
  Find time each week for a one-on-one activity with each child, and avoid scheduling other activities during that time.
• Learn about your children's interests — for example, favorite music and activities — and show interest in them.
• Initiate conversations by sharing what you have been thinking about, or what other kids may be thinking about, rather than beginning a conversation with a question.

Listen Actively

• When your children are talking about concerns, stop whatever you are doing and listen.
• Express interest in what they are saying without being intrusive.
• Listen to their point of view, even if it’s difficult to hear.
• Let them complete their point before you respond.
• Repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly.
• Realize that your children may test you by telling you a small part of what is bothering them. Listen carefully to what they say, encourage them to talk and they may share the rest of the story.

Respond Thoughtfully

• Soften strong reactions — kids will tune you out if you appear angry or defensive.
• Express your opinion without minimizing theirs — acknowledge that it’s okay to disagree.
• Resist arguing about who is right. Instead say, “I know you disagree with me, but this is what I think.”
• Focus on your child’s feelings rather than your own during your conversation.
• Ask your children what they may want or need from you in a conversation, such as advice, help in dealing with feelings or assistance in solving a problem.

Consider 

• Kids learn by watching their parents. Most often, they will follow your lead in how they deal with anger, solve problems and work through difficult feelings. Help your kids to adopt healthy coping strategies by modeling positive behaviors.
• Engage the family in stress-reducing activities, such as taking a family walk, riding bikes or dancing together.
• Young children may express feeling of stress or worry in their play. Pay attention to themes in their conversations and activities to gain a good sense of their concerns. Teens and older children are often more involved with peers than family as part of developing their own identity. Significant avoidance of parents, however, may be a sign that a teen is distressed and may need assistance.
• Kids learn from their own choices. As long as the consequences are not dangerous to themselves or others, don’t feel you have to step in each time.
• Shielding children from possible causes of stress or anxiety, such as unemployment, a parent’s marital problems or an illness in the family, can worsen a child’s anxiety because children commonly assume a worse case scenario. Help by providing age-appropriate information.

Seek Additional Help

If you have concerns that your child is experiencing considerable stress and the ideas are not sufficiently helping, seek advice from a licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist. Psychologists have specific training that can help both you and your child successfully manage overwhelming stress. For additional information on stress and lifestyle and behaviors, visit APA Help Center, read APA’s Mind/Body Health campaign blog, and follow @apahelpcenter on Twitter.

Should Kids Under 13 Be on Facebook?

In a perfect, law-abiding world, no child under 13 has a Facebook account. But this world is pretty far from ideal, if the 7.5 million tweens — and younger kids — trolling the social-media behemoth are any gauge. Now, if Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg gets his way, that already impressive number will explode.

Zuckerberg told the NewSchools Venture Fund’s Summit in Burlingame, Calif., that he’d like younger children to be permitted to patronize his site. Technically, the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) prohibits websites that gather data about users from allowing access to anyone younger than 13. In reality, though, COPPA is pretty ineffectual.

Consumer Reports (CR) recently announced results of an annual survey that found that “more than one-third of the 20 million minors who actively used Facebook in the past year” were under 13.

According to TIME.com’s Techland blog, “that number could be low, since it’s only based on parents who knew their underage kids were Facebook members:”

In fact CR found that over 5 million of Facebook’s 7.5 million-plus underage were as young as “10 and under.” … That’s not the worst of it. CR also found that underage kids using Facebook were unsupervised by parents. The site claims — not wrongly — that this exposes them to “malware or serious threats such as predators or bullies.”

Consider other points raised in the report like: 15% of all Facebook users post “their current location or travel plans,” 34% post their birth date in full, and 21% with children post their children’s names and pictures.

What about Facebook’s privacy controls, your bastion against all things nefarious? CR found “roughly one in five” weren’t using them.

Still Zuckerberg insists that connecting on Facebook — for educational purposes, natch — is a must for young kids. “That will be a fight we take on at some point,” CNNMoney quoted him as saying. “My philosophy is that for education you need to start at a really, really young age.”

Zuckerberg, not so far removed from the gawky age of 13 himself, says that Facebook has not begun researching how to open up the site to young kids and protect them at the same time. “Because of the restrictions we haven’t even begun this learning process,” he said. “If they’re lifted, then we’d start to learn what works. We’d take a lot of precautions to make sure that they [younger kids] are safe.”

Whew. That’s reassuring.

Still, it’s undeniable that kids simply don’t have the same powers of judgment as adults. Consider, for example, the New Hampshire teen who mourned on Facebook that Osama bin Laden hadn’t first offed her math teacher before he was killed. ”In hindsight, she’s mortified that she said that, but she’s a 13-year-old kid,” the girl’s mother, Kimberly Dell’isola, told a local television station.

That’s exactly why the publisher of Consumer Reports isn’t quite as cavalier as Zuckerberg about little ones friending and tagging to their hearts’ content. On Friday, the nonprofit Consumers Union worried that kids and teens don’t really get why it’s so important to self-censor what they share with the online world. “We urge Facebook to strengthen its efforts to identify and terminate the accounts of users under 13 years of age, and also to implement more effective age-verification methods for users signing up for new accounts,” Ioana Rusu, the regulatory counsel for Consumers Union, wrote in a letter to Zuckerberg.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Rusu’s letter came on the heels of a congressional hearing questioning the security of underage Facebook users:

Senate Commerce Committee Chairman John D. Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) said it was “indefensible” that Facebook had only 100 employees monitoring the activities of its 600 million users.

At the hearing, Facebook Chief Technology Officer Bret Taylor said Facebook shuts down the accounts of people found to be lying about their age. But he acknowledged that Facebook depended on other users to report underage users.

The Consumers Union urged Facebook to be more “diligent and effective” at safeguarding the millions of minors who frequent the site. It suggested a few ways to do that: make minors’ default privacy setting one that facilitates sharing with “friends only” instead of “friends of friends;” for the average user, that amounts to nearly 17,000 people. And institute an “eraser button” that users can click to delete embarrassing information posted on the site when they were underage.

An eraser button? Should it actually be created, many adults will likely lobby to use it too.

Am I Safe? Talking to Your Kids About the Sandy Hook School Shooting

I know every parent has had to face the reality that it is no longer possible to shield our youngsters from horrific tragedy... now it is even more important to engage our children in conversation and to provide to them comfort and help in understanding what happened so they can begin the healing process too.

Across America, parents are taking a big breath before attempting one of the more difficult conversations they will have with their children: explaining how tragedies such as the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School can happen.

It’s hard to distill the Connecticut tragedy for little kids when it doesn’t even make sense to adults. But at dinnertime, bedtime, during carpool and everywhere in between, children will be turning to mom and dad for reassurance that they are safe.

“Tell them the truth, in their language,” says Emanuel Maidenberg, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA who specializes in anxiety. “Let them know that this is something that doesn’t happen very often and they are safe.”

Experts vary on how proactive parents should be: some recommend against bringing up the subject unless curious or frightened children ask, although most advise parents to initiate a conversation. Either way, the key is to reassure kids and answer their questions without providing information overload. Be honest, keeping in mind your child’s age, adjusting your explanations to your children’s ability to understand. And continue with your family’s regular routine, advises Maidenberg. “Most young kids don’t have the skills to put their feelings into words so encourage them to talk about what they feel and name their emotions,” says Maidenberg.

It’s normal for kids who hear about what happened to feel stressed and anxious, says Kenneth Dodge, director of the Center for Child and Family Policy at Duke University, especially since the shootings occurred at school. But despite the intense coverage that school shootings receive, schools are, in fact, some of the safest places for young children. The most recent statistics from 2010 show that 17 children were killed in U.S. schools — less than 2% of child homicides that year, according to David Finkelhor of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. The figures are reassuring, to some extent, but the drama of a mass calamity is impossible to ignore.

“You can say to your kids, Just because this happened at one school doesn’t mean it’s going to happen at your school. I’m really comfortable and confident about your school,” says Dodge. “It’s natural to feel anxious, but most kids will get over it on their own.”

Parents can help by curbing any tendency to overshare; save the in-depth discussions for grown-up company. “You don’t want to tell kids too much,” says Rahil Briggs, a child psychologist at the Children’s Hospital at Montefiore in the Bronx. Any amount of exposure to scary news about the school shooting can potentially lead to clingy behavior, irritability or loss of appetite. Children also express feelings through play so it wouldn’t be unusual for them to use art or Legos to capture their thoughts. Briggs was a graduate student at New York University on 9/11; in the weeks after the attacks, she visited various schools where she watched children as they sketched images of buildings falling or airplanes on fire. “They would draw picture after picture,” she says.

That’s a healthy way of coping with disaster. Most children will ask some questions about what happened in Connecticut, draw some pictures, inquire about what it means to be dead — and move on. For those who seem fixated on the details and worried about their safety even after several weeks go by, it’s a good idea to seek advice from a pediatrician or psychologist.

It’s also a good idea to empower kids who feel helpless by brainstorming ways to be useful. Have your kids write letters to the students at Sandy Hook (912 Dickinson Dr., Sandy Hook, CT 06482), suggests Dodge. Make signs of support. It will help up shore up morale in Newtown, Conn., and make your kids feel useful, which in turn relieves some of the stress and fear they are feeling.

Kids, of course, aren’t the only ones who need help coping. As a parent of a kindergartener, I dropped by her school after news of the Sandy Hook shooting to give her a kiss and a hug for reasons she did not yet know. While at her school, her teacher — who teared up but quickly regained her composure — handed me a note from the school district’s superintendent reiterating exactly what various experts had emphasized. He encouraged parents to turn off the television news and give “honest, simple, brief” answers to any questions that kids ask. “If children keep asking the same question over and over again it is because they are trying to understand, trying to make sense out of the disruption and confusion in their world,” the superintendent wrote.

As parents, we can only try to help that process along, even if we don’t have the answers.

How to deal with your kid's weird friends

Your child is hilarious, interesting, clever—frankly, he's all-around delightful. But his friends are ...well, we're all adults here, so let's just come out with it: Some of them are weird.

You don't get them, and you suspect that the other grade school students don't either. You want to deal with the situation in the most unobtrusive and sensitive manner possible, and you definitely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but you don't want to ignore warning signs of an unhealthy and possibly toxic relationship either.

To find out how to manage this parenting dilemma, we called Matthew Goldfine, PhD, a clinical child psychologist at the Columbia University Clinic for Anxiety and Related Disorders. He treats children, teens and adults. We asked him for advice on five types of friends.

1. The (potentially) bad influence How you'd describe them: They act out, make the kinds of poor choices that you're always cautioning your children about, and are often reprimanded by the teacher.
How your child would describe them: "FUN!"
How you should handle this situation: Goldfine says this is the type of friendship that tends to worry parents the most—with good reason. "Studies show that delinquency can be almost contagious," he says. Your task is to figure out what kind of troublemaker this one is. There's no magic trick to help you with this, but you can start with the list of behaviors that are unacceptable to you and your spouse, and if you hear that this new friend is engaging in them—and worse, egging on your kid—then you shouldn't feel bad about breaking up the friendship ASAP.

Goldfine says that other warning signs are "clear intentions that this child wants to make other people angry, unhappy or hurt through their actions." Be on the lookout for a child who often responds to a teacher's instructions by shouting, "NO! And you can't make me!" There's a difference between a mean-spirited kid snapping rules in half and posing direct challenges to authority, and a rambunctious or energetic one bending the rules a little.

If you just aren't sure whether this kid is a bad influence, Goldfine strongly advises talking to the other child's parents. Hold off on judging their disciplinary techniques and, instead, fill them in on the kinds of things the kids do when they're at your house. Most likely, they'll reciprocate, which will give you another perspective. If not, you'll get a sense of how involved the parents are. Assume that the parents are as well-meaning as you are and make an effort to build a relationship with them.

Be sensitive to the fact that any discussion of either kids' behavior holds such dramatic potential that it was the subject of a Broadway play (the movie version of God of Carnage, with Kate Winslet and Jodie Foster, comes out this fall).

Barring dangerous behavior, Goldfine thinks it's okay to let your (ostensibly good) kid pal around with the class clown or the goofy troublemaker. Worried about how they'll grow into those teen years together? "Just because they're hanging out now doesn't mean they'll be best friends forever," he says.

2. The unhygienic kidHow you'd describe them: Remember Pig-Pen, Charlie Brown's filthy friend?
How your child would describe them: "His mom never makes him take a bath."
How you should handle this situation: "These are often the cases where I think it's helpful for parents to supervise and monitor, but maybe not intervene," says Goldfine. Your child is clearly overlooking this other child's flaws. Good for them! Goldfine suggests waiting until the child comes to you and asks why her friend smells funny or wears stained clothes, or talks to you about how the other kids treat him.

"This could be a good opportunity to talk about the importance of good hygiene, of wearing clean clothes and of taking care of one's self." He adds that kids are more socially aware than we give them credit for, even if it might take them longer to figure things out.

As long as this child is not in danger, or putting your child's health and safety in jeopardy, step back and let the friendship run its course. He reminds us that the best behavioral models children have are their parents. "What kind of message do you want them to get from you? It's probably something like, 'As long as this person is nice to me and fun to be around, then I don't care about what other kids say.'"

3. The obsessive How you'd describe them: They get hung up on things, like insects, or sentient life on Mars, or opening and closing drawers over and over and over...
How your child would describe them: "They have cool toys." 
How you should handle the situation: Goldfine says he often hears parents try to diagnose other people's children with psychological or developmental disorders like obsessive-compulsive behavior, autism or Asperger's syndrome.

Granted, he practices in Manhattan, where every third person on the subway is either a therapist or on their way to an appointment with one. But this unhelpful habit extends far beyond the city limits. "These are heavy words, and even trained professionals are very careful with how they use them," he says. And what if this is a case of true Asperger's or OCD?

"It's not contagious, and there's absolutely no harm to your child in hanging out with another kid who has one of these psychological diagnoses," says Goldfine. "In fact, it's good for them to have a variety of different kinds of friendships."

Goldfine reminds us to be aware of the impression that we're giving our kids when we criticize their friends—they really pick up on those signals. When deciding how to deal with a child whose creepy behavior bothers you more than it does your daughter or son, recall Mad Men and how Betty Draper dealt with her daughter Sally's friendship with the creepy neighborhood boy, Glen. Betty forbade Sally from hanging out with Glen, which only made Sally more eager to spend time with him. Even worse, Betty's actions made her look like an insensitive mom, pushing Sally further away.

4. The hanger-on How you'd describe them: She can't get enough of your daughter.
How your child would describe them: "She calls me her sister."
How you should handle the situation: Congratulations! Your kid is popular. Grade school children tend to lack subtlety in their social interactions, so this clingy behavior is likely a sign that your child is the kind of person that others are drawn to.

"In this case, I'd advise following your child's lead," says Goldfine. If she seems to enjoy the other kid's company (however shadowlike it may seem to you), then let them be. But if your child says that she wants to spend time with other kids, or is giving off frustrated cues by treating this friend poorly, start a conversation with her about other people's feelings.

"You could ask, 'What's a nice way to tell someone that you want to have a playdate with someone else?'" says Goldfine. "Or you could talk about strategies: 'Let's hang out with this friend these days and other friends on those days.'" Consider this an opportunity to create a compassionate queen bee.

5. That little you-know-what How you'd describe them: They spilled the beans about the tooth fairy and the birds and the bees, and now they're teaching your kid dirty words—in German.
How your child would describe them: "He knows a lot of stuff." 
How you should handle the situation: This kid is a parent's stealth enemy because he often appears out of nowhere to steal your child's innocence. One night you're leaving the closet light on for a naïve 9-year-old, and the next he's talking like a pervy European bartender. It won't be long before he'll start begging you to let him watch Superbad—and you get the sense he and his new friend already sneaked a peek.

Goldfine says that this is another situation where it's important to communicate with the other child's parents. Let them know what the duo has been up to and get a sense of how they feel about it. As with the (potentially) bad influence, look for clear warning signs (cruel intentions, bullying) and draw the line at the behaviors that you deem off-limits.

If this child's annoying behavior doesn't extend far beyond dismantling beloved childhood myths, Goldfine suggests taking control of the situation. After overhearing him use curse words, explain what they are and why we don't use them. Recognize that you might have to push up the "sex talk" by a year or so.

"This may not have been your plan," he says, "but it's your chance to get in on the ground floor and correct any misconceptions about what your child has been told." It's also your chance to have a bigger influence over your child than this kid has. It will be very hard to keep your child away from a spoilsport, as that will only stoke further curiosity. Besides, the cat's already out of the bag—and meowing around the playground. It's unlikely that your child is the only one who has heard this kid's R-rated stories.